This is a personal story of my own, and a love note to you, on how to induce the big shifts and changes in life when faced with massive resistance and habits of control. It’s what I did when enough was enough.
WARNING: Adult language ahead. Please do not read on if you are easily offended.
Aren’t you exhausted from controlling your world and trying to keep everything in perfect order?
Is the stress, anxiety and overwhelm becoming just too much?
When is your unhappiness, enough?
When is the dull ache of waking morning after morning, feeling like shit, yet dragging yourself through your day, enough?
When are the thoughts of hating your body, enough?
When are you sick enough of the depression, sadness and the terrified feeling of losing yourself in it?
Is the unhealthy food you keep shoving into your body enough already?
When is it enough pills or bottles of wine?
When does the numbing behavior become greater in cost than the actual pain being numbed?
When is it enough failed relationships for you to be willing to take a look at yourself?
When is the overwhelming feeling of loneliness, enough?
When is the stress and anxiousness, enough?
When are you sick enough of going to a job you hate?
When is your shitty state of health, enough?
When is your messy house, enough?
When is mindlessly, habitually and meaninglessly meandering through a dull and darkly-lit life, enough?
I’ve been watching this beautiful phenomenon happen a lot, both in me and around me. (Although in the moment, just before the release, it doesn’t feel beautiful at all. It feels like a big pile of shit surrounded by hopelessness and fear.)
“If I just go DO this, or that or follow that plan…” you say.
Guilt, anger and sadness set in more deeply as you judge yourself for failing. Your fears seem to be coming true. Further downward into the fear storm you go.
“I’ll never get out of this. I’ll never get better. It’ll never be the way I want it to be. What’s the point? I just don’t know how…” you say.
There are many occasions in my life where I felt that enough was fucking enough already.
Side note, I’ve had this weird saying my whole life where I believe that some things are just ‘in your bones.‘ Meaning, it’s just something you know, and you’ve known your whole life, without explanation. Well, finding a better god-damn way in those moments has always been ‘in my bones.‘
(You have these things too, these in the bones things. They are amazing and magical and wonderful. Trust your bones. Trust yourself.)
I refuse to settle for what I see in front of me as my current reality if, of course, it just sucks.
There HAS to be a better way.
In my younger years, I thought that better way had to be through MORE control (which inevitably produced more fighting, more resistance and more struggle).
This control eventually led to a complete burnout just a few short years ago.
And again, I had to find a better way…
That better way turned out to be the ONLY way.
I chose to rise up to the terrifying occasions of enough being enough, in complete defenselessness, stripped away of all numbing and judging behavior, completely raw, open and vulnerable. (Allow me to translate: this means the complete loss of your shit, when all you can do is sob like a baby and hope that some, unknown force – whether believed in or not – comes to save you.)
For me, this deep surrender process has always been done IN meditation.
Outside of meditation, in my worldly hours, I did these things:
I got rid of any and all extra food.
I stopped numbing with TV, alcohol, drugs or anything else that would induce a false sense of happiness.
I took personal responsibility for my health.
I prayed for a better way to show up (to show up NOW).
I stopped running, hiding and protecting my own agenda.
I meditated with the intention of unconditional happiness and peace, despite not knowing how.
I stopped over scheduling myself.
I gave myself more time off.
I cultivated rituals of prayer, reflection and meditation.
I’ve calculated the heavy cost of ego and fear-based living to the point of disgust in my past actions.
I learned that I’m not here to control the outcome (or the direction of the wind or the Universe).
I continue look at my own behavior in every situation where I feel attacked.
I’ve reconnected – and continue to reconnect – to Big Love.
And continue to do so every morning and every night, and sometimes every hour.
What now for you? There’s a few truths I’ve learned along the way that you must know first…
Do not be terrified of losing control. You never really had it in the first place.
Stand boldly in front of the face of your fears, letting go. Surrender to your process.
Your fears aren’t real.
The process you are experiencing, although unknown yet to you, is for your greater evolution.
Your life is about to change. Willingness is the only prerequisite.
Stop fighting. Struggle is NOT your natural state.
Remember, you are not your brain, and all of it’s thoughts.
Let go of all fear, all resistance, all fighting.
Let go of the struggle, of the control you think you have.
What’s on the other side of your surrender?
(In my experience…)
A stress-free life.
The end of overthinking, control, numbing behavior and the harshness of living.
The beginning of whole health, joy, Oneness and a gratitude for the only real and valuable things in life.
Everything desired is on the other side of struggle.
How do you induce this deep surrender?
At the very least, sit with yourself – and only yourself – without a single numbing behavior or judgement. Lose your shit. Cry like a baby. Then, pick any thing I mentioned above, that I’ve done, that resonates with you most.
And remember, always remember, (1) have the willingness and (2) hold the intention of simply giving up the struggle.
I cannot guarantee you anything on this Journey. I can only share with you my experience.
(I can, however, guarantee more fucking breakdowns. Yet the result of the surrender – and reconnection to Big Love – to me, is worth it a thousand times over.)
So you’ll have to ask yourself, “Is enough, enough, already?”